Motherhood brings immense change and many many feelings… But how many of us actually get told what IS going to change and what does it all mean? Had you even heard of the word matrescence before becoming a mother? How many of us even know what it means; so we can share the word gently with our best friends, sisters, daughters and anyone needing to find comfort in its definition?
Understanding this word was a turning point for me in my own motherhood journey. There was meaning to what I was feeling. There were answers for my struggles. There was a community of love, I didn’t realise I had.
So here is my little interpretation of this magical word…
Most importantly, you need to find YOUR own meaning, YOUR own understanding and YOUR own purpose. I hope you can find yourself again, the new you, on your own unique path of Matrescence.
So what does it all mean?
Women have three monumental changes in their life; menarche, motherhood and menopause. And just like there is the word ADOLESCENCE for the changes experienced during menarche. There is the word MATRESCENCE for these changes during motherhood.
When a newborn baby is born, a mother is also born. Matrescence is the birth of a Mother... The emotional, spiritual and physical shift from Woman to Mother. It is the psychological and emotional journey of expectations, thoughts, feelings and ideas. It is the spiritual awakening of a new identity, purpose and belief. It is the physical change in body, appearance, function and sensations. It is EVERYTHING you are feeling.
For some women their matrescence journey starts before they have kids, for some it is after, for some they may feel it deep to their core, for some it is just on the surface. No matter what your story is; infertility, adoption, fostering, surrogacy, IVF, early pregnancy loss, stillbirth, natural birth, caesarean birth, instrumental birth or however else your experience is “labelled”, you are a mother regardless, you as a woman have changed, and it is important to honour and recognise that.
The transformation of motherhood can bring great joy for some; but for others great hardships. What you are feeling and what you are going through, is completely normal. Breathe. Surrender. Accept. You aren’t alone. We all felt it too. We all felt the ground fall out from beneath us. We all watched our old selves disappear into the abyss. We all felt the profound change.
But hopefully through understanding and recognising the change, there might be some comfort. There might be some acceptance. There might be some love for yourself and all the amazing things you are doing.
What happens to US when we become a mother?
When we become a mother we split in two. Who we used to be, and who we are now, a Mother. Your world as you know, is now completely new. You have a new purpose in life, a new chapter, a new phase and a new love… You have completely lost your old life, your sense of self, independence, lack of responsibility, all just GONE in an instant. But maybe it’s not a loss at all… maybe it’s just changed.
This change in self can bring about so many new conflicting feelings, and that’s totally okay. These feelings may be positive, they may be negative. Your whole world, your focus, your life’s priority is now on your little baby in your arms. And what an incredible gift that is. There is no love like a mothers love for a child. It fills your heart in ways you didn’t know possible… But in those incredible feelings there can also be a mixture of grief, feeling lost, feeling loss, confusion of who you are, regret, ambivalence, resentment of others, disappointment and the list goes on.
You are going through something monumental, a shift in your sense of self, your identity and everything as you know it HAS changed. So don’t be ashamed of these feelings. You don’t need to hide them anymore, this is all just part of matrescence.
Allow the shift.
Feel the shift.
Accept the shift.
One moment you may feel the most intense love and admiration for your baby, the next moment you may feel the frustration and disappointment as the struggles get the better of you. You may feel the soul lifting, heart filling, body tingling joy of being a mum and then it dawns on you you’ll never be the old you ever again. Your family will never be the same. Longing for the old you, life to just be you and your partner again, life without the newest sibling, missing what you had, missing who you used to be. A feeling of grieving for your old life. Everything you had given up. Can you feel the split? Feel yourself being torn?
Work changes; you may miss your work, sense of accomplishment, hours change, hours may not change, financial circumstances change and you may have to juggle it all.
Travel and holidays take on a whole new meaning; more stress, more fun, less travel, more travel, zero impromptu travel, everything requires more effort and planning and goodbye to adults only holidays.
Social occasions just aren’t the same; your social calendar may completely dry up, you may not have anything in common with friends without kids, you may feel like an outsider, you may feel more social than ever, you may notice all conversations are all about babies, sleep, milestones, nappies and merchandise!
Physical changes; your body grew and birthed your baby, there is pain in that, there is comfort in that. There are new scars, new lumps and bumps, new body fluids, new positioning of breasts and belly’s. Your body aches in new places and it carry’s a whole new meaning, nurturing, giving, holding, warming, providing, comforting and loving endlessly.
Sounding at all familiar?
You have so many physical, emotional, spiritual, hormonal, social, cultural and financial changes. I won’t talk you through them all. Your changes are unique and we all feel them differently. But just know that these changes during matrescence are huge!
Could we prepare mothers better?
Is this what you pictured motherhood to be? Maybe it’s better. Maybe it’s harder. Maybe you had unrealistic expectations or unhealthy influencers getting the better of you? Motherhood is not always the glamorous and beautiful fantasy land that your socials may be portraying. Some of the “ perfect” mother images shared on socials might not show or talk about these crazy changes that we find so conflicting and confusing. Would hearing about matrescence earlier help you for when you find yourself in these moments of change?
So how do I move forward with my understanding of matrescence?
Who am I now? Who am I becoming? Who is this little person?
There is new energy and new beginnings. There is incredible self growth and learning. Learning to fall in love again. Fall in love with your new self, you as a mother and how amazing you are. It’s okay to be in a state of fluidity with your feelings. Feel the push and pull. Feel them come and go. Move through the waves of struggle. Move into a place of surrender. Hold space for yourself on this sacred path, this tender path, this path of connection. Connection with yourself, with your baby and with your family. Feel into it. Feel all the feels, good and bad. With this comes a depth of love so very special. With this comes acceptance of you, the new you and what changed during your matrescence process.
Find light in the darkness, find comfort in the uncomfortable and perfect in the imperfect. Matrescence is your own unique journey.
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